death

LibrarySessions

Posted on by ASH

Here I am… sitting physically alone in a room full of stories to share. Lives that were lost and hope was gained. Stories to be shared and lessons to be learned. The tap tap tap of my keyboard being the loudest thing I can hear at the moment. Sweating and thinking to myself, “Am I worth all this?”.

All this money and studying and people trying to feed me with information that I will need in the field of work I want one day. The effort people pour out onto me… I suck at being a student. and I am expected to have a specific GPA but i’m not even sure I’m going to pass one of my classes at this point.

I just need to learn to work efficiently. I need to find me some good people. The heck? I’m good people!! Why can’t I do anything right? It’s not fair. God didn’t give me the amazing talent, the gorgeous looks, the smart brain, or the money to get through life. And so I have to beg to get through life. I have to work hard. One slip and I’m done. I cannot afford to slip up. I have to get my shit together and fast. Lord help me 😥

Failure is not an option

Posted on by ASH

Living with people who are nothing like you is really difficult. It’s the reason I couldn’t survive in America. But these people are not going to be responsible for me. So you wanna kno what happens if I fail a class? Do you? …Well, I’m in college only because of a scholarship. So if I fail, I’m out. Simple as that. I need to find the right friends and fast! NEEED to find nerds……… O_O need… to become a nerd!

I can’t fail. I can’t fail. I can’t fail.

I’m praying no one asks me how I’m doing. I just might break. I’m so close t just losing it AGAIN. I can’t go back to that dark place. I just want to graduate and get going with my life. God put a vision in my heart and I’m going to get there by His grace. But when? And how?

Discontinued Dreams

Posted on by ASH

I just feel so discouraged. I worked so hard to get into that school in Canada and then just as I was assigned a dorm and got to know my future roommate and dorm mates through facebook, I was told that I couldn’t go to school there anymore. My parents told me time and time again that it was impossible to go there. I guess they were right. My dream was too big. I have to come back down to Earth and dream a little smaller? I thought God was leading me there. EVERYTHING fell into place! I didn’t even need to pay an application fee when I applied to go to that school! They said my SATs were fine even though I KNOW I didn’t score well. There was a plan and everything. And then…

And then…

*poof*

My dream school since sophomore year. So close. (Literally was just a 5 hour drive from me) yet so far away. And now it seems impossible. Now every dream I dream seems impossible. I never even got the chance to step foot into the campus. My parents think it was my fault. They think it’s cause I didn’t work hard enough. Maybe that’s true. I could make all the excuses I want. But they don’t care about excuses. They only care about output. IM NOT A MOTHER! How would I know what a child wants and how to care for them!? She didn’t want to be a mother either! She revolves her kids around her agenda and makes it look like a sacrifice. I guess that’s how it is in America. She’s a great friend though. She gave me so much wisdom. Actually, they were really nice to let me live with them. I would never do that again.

My dream school from sophomore year. I had the chance. And I blew it. What else am I gonna wreck?

No more fireworks…

Posted on by ASH

Am I a horrible person? I tell myself all the time not to rely on how I feel yet I feel so many emotions at the same time and all the time. I feel infatuated, scared, courageous, pained, frustrated, angry, and just very infatuated to be honest.

Maybe I’m just confused. And I am almost always just confused and I do not want to understand my feelings I just want them to STOP!

I want to stop being afraid and angry and lovesick and asdfghjkl!!!!!

Sometimes it’s hard to remember the God who gives us peace when your problems seem to be duct tape in your eyes…

I did not need him to tell me I was beautiful; I already know. I’m not bragging, God made me a masterpiece. He made all of us beautiful and in His image and I believe this. I just honestly adored him.

His voice. His face. Hearing his stories of when he was a kid and talking about his dad. Every detail. And then just

Nothing

And I’m left continuously falling into this pit again. I’m not mad at him or at the fact that this is over, I’m mad at MYSELF FOR BELIEVING IT COULD ACTUALLY BE A THING.

My father always did say that I was too gullible sometimes…

Tita Gina

Posted on by ASH

One by one my dear friends and family are leaving and moving to a Wonderful place and I won’t be able to see them again for a really long time. I will miss them very dearly. In recent news, a dear friend of my family left to be with Jesus last night and I am left …

I don’t know what to say.

I am amazed at God’s timing. It is sudden, astonishing an over-all, purposeful. I believe everything happens because it is all part of an Ultimate plan and I trust in it. That being said, I rejoice in the Lord for He is good and His love endures forever.

This isn’t a goodbye. I will always miss her kindness and good intentions towards my family and I. She was strong, admirable, forgiving, and seemed to always speak out of love.

To her family, be strong. Keep the faith. Tita Gina is now forever in paradise and because of what we believe as Christians, we can be sure to be reunited again.